Put up – Shut up – Suck it Up
I received a message on my office phone yesterday. My daughter was in tears and I couldn’t even understand the message, except that she asked that when I came home to come up to her room right away. Without knowing what was going on, I could have made up all kinds or stories before I got there and I chose not to. This is so important and I don’t think that I would have realized it until last night. (past history would tell me that…her tears had to do with my husband and so I could have easily walked through the door in ‘attack’ mode).
I came through the doors and had a brief chat with my husband and proceeded up stairs. I walked into her room and asked what was going on. She looked at me with tears streaking her face and said, ” I need a hug.” Well that’s too easy. So we hugged.
As the tears came more and more and without knowing what they were about, I knew that there was nothing for me to say or do. I only needed to breath and just ‘be.’ Not once did I tell her to stop crying. Not once did I tell her that everything would be o.k. Not once did I say a word. When her body stabilized a little more, the conversation started. More tears and all I did was reminded her to breath. If children are what they learn, best to teach them that breathing is good right away and that tears are nothing more that the body’s way of sharing information that is coming up. It is very important not to stop the flow of information
When she shared the details (content) of what happened, I could somehow listen and understand where she was coming from. Why? This experience seemed familiar to me. As I listened how ‘friends’ make up stories and tell other friends and then the other friends make up more stories, there’s bound to be someone that is part of the story that doesn’t even know about the story and then is on the outside looking in. (Wow…did you follow that)? 
Frigg’in stories.
As I listened I heard her share her ‘own’ story. I looked at her and said, “O.K. stop and breath and let the tears just happen and let me share something with you.” It may be a good idea to ask others what they’re thinking rather than ‘make-up’ a story because this is how this all started. Well then it went to the ‘he said -she said.’ Again I chose not to create space for more stories rather I suggested once again that being Open - Honest - Clear - Direct is the only way I know how to ‘be’ and when you stick with that…there’s simply no stories. (at least for yourSelf).
In the “he said – she said” scheme of things, there’s only stories of other stories and then spin offs and many different version of a story and…it’s never about what it’s about.
My husband asked me what was going on and so…I shared my perspective of what had taken place. And this is where the…put up- shut up- suck it up…came up. Hmmm, Apparently if you just go in to school the next day and follow these simple steps (put up – shut up- suck it up) and don’t let the ‘bullies’ win, then they’ll have nothing to talk about so they’ll leave you alone. And…Apparently life is just perfect after that.
Well…that’s his perspective and mine is not quite the same….And I believe it’s time we share something different with our children.
The conversations between my daughter and I went one and off through out the evening. There was no need for pressure to have the conversation nonstop as her body was vibrating and information was in flow at different times. I had nothing to do or say except to create space for her to share the “truth of her experience” as more information started to surface for her. I listened and shared my thoughts and not once ‘told’ her how she should feel or what she should do. She asked me last night if she could stay home from school so I allowed myself the space that I needed to ponder over the request.
At one point last night, I looked at her and said that I needed to step away to allow what she had shared with me to ’rumble’ around a bit. I sat at the kitchen table and thought, “Am I mom or Am I Coach or Facilitator?” Yes came to mind. I smiled and continued to ponder and then I smiled and went up stairs and shared my thoughts with her.
Wow! But of course! The school is about early family systems and the dances that occur in our home lives we bring to school. The dance was familiar because I experienced it in my family growing up. That’s why at this point in my life I much prefer to be Open, Honest, Clear and direct because that can’t be flipped around or changed because it’s not a story rather it’s our truth. So I suggested that if she wants to know someone else’s ‘truth,’ then ask them and not someone else.
(Today is Thursday and she is off to school). I did create space for her to stay home yesterday. It’s hard to remember who you are sometimes when your body is in the midst of information (emotions) constantly moving through out your body. We chatted last night and today she is ‘ready’ to go to school.
What would life look like for our children if we offered them the space that they need when they need it? What would it look like if we remembered that as ‘working’ adults, that we have sick days or ‘mental health’ day and that our children have school. I think of one women that came to see me and said, “I don’t think that my son is even sick. I think he just wanted to stay home to be with me.” I smiled and said, “Great! Then keep him home for the day and enjoy each others company.” I’m not say to keep your children home all the time however if we listen to them differently we could very well discover that ‘their’ needs aren’t exactly what ‘we’ think they are. Just because we were all children once ourselves, doesn’t mean we necessarily know what’s going through our children’s mind. there’s only one way to know what’s going on in there beautiful heads and that is to ask them.
As I reflect upon the past and the way I had brought up my daughter, I sometimes shutter as I remember that parenting is a choice and so is parenting differently.
What can we create for our children if we give them space to simply ‘be?’ What will they create for themselves knowing that they had space to ponder over the ‘turmoil’ that went through their body?
When I told my daughter that she didn’t have to go to school, through tears she said, “You’re the best.” I hugged her and said, “So are you.”
Today is Friday and the last day of school for her until the New Year. Yesterday was a great day for her at school and I don’t know if it would have been great for her if I had of looked at keeping her home from school as being ’silly.’
Our children are magnificent beings and I believe it’s time for a shift in Parenting.
Letting Go of The Past AND…Growing Forward.
Amy
