Growing Forward Personal Growth Services

       A couple of days ago my daughter was reading a book and said that when she was done that I should read it.  Of course this isn’t so unusual because she loves reading and thinks that I should read everything that she does.  So she told me a little bit about the book as she was reading it.  Sometimes there were tears and sometimes laughter as she read along.  So it’s now my turn to read the book and I just started reading chapter two and a not so long ago memory flashed before my eyes.  I was reminded why children can be so cruel sometimes and where they learn it first.

My daughter was over at a friends place for a birthday party and there were boys there as well.  At 8:30  the parents came to pick the boys up and the girls stayed over.  I’m fortunate enough to know one of the boys a little bit having met him a few times.  He has this incredible sense of humour and whit.  He seems so in-touch with who he is in the world and I think that is fabulous at such a young age.

The next morning I drove out to pick my daughter up and while the girls were organizing there stuff, the dad did a recap of the night before.  He was saying how well everyone had gotten a long and that there was no doubt of course because the boys are real, “girly boys.”   Hmmm, that didn’t really sit so well with me.  I smiled and said, “Well I wouldn’t call them that but I can tell you that one of them is an incredible person and doesn’t seem to treat anyone any different whether it’s a girl or a boy.”  I remember having a conversation with this young man (that was supposed to be a ‘girly boy’) when I drove him and my daughter to the movies.  I just had to laugh as he was so spontaneous and funny and sincere.  Rather sad that an adult would stop to ‘label’ that kind of genius in a child.

So I realized that even though as parents we want our kids to grow up without judgement and to treat others as you’d like them to treat you, are we really practicing what we preach?  Well I’d say that I got the answer to that early on a Sunday morning and it wasn’t “out of the mouths of babes.”  Unfortunately it was from an adult. 

We become so surprised when our children come out with things which we may consider to be inappropriate and we’re also quick to say that they learned it at school.  Yes, there’s a good chance that they learned some of it at school and what I know is that in Meagan’s early years she spent most of her time around my husband and I.  So instead of looking shocked when she comes out and says something which I may find inappropriate, I need not look any further than my husband and I to see when we use a particular word or sentence.

Children are what they learn.  This is very useful to remember because we were once children ourselves.  So it is possible that what we’re bringing forward with us and teaching our children, really has nothing to do with our beliefs rather they belong to someone else from our past.  We need to stop and listen to what we say and possibly choose something different, something more in line with ‘our’ way of thinking or feeling.

I can personally look back on my childhood and say that there are somethings that I may do now that my parents did – and I only do them because they feel right for me.  And on the very same token, there are many things that I don’t do because they definitely don’t feel right.  As parents I believe that we need pay attention to not only what we do but really listen to the words that are coming out of our mouths.  Then maybe we wouldn’t be so surprised when we hear our children use the same language. 

Children learn before they even leave the womb so it’s up to us to pay attention to what it is we’re teaching them.  And what we’re teaching them…well sometimes just isn’t that useful. 

A couple of days ago I was listening to a conversation someone was having with another adult.  The words were hurtful and I felt sad for the other person and then realized that we’re so used to saying things that we think as being funny, that we don’t stop to consider how would we feel if someone said those things to us.  “Who will be working tomorrow if I need to leave? -  I will.  - Somehow that just doesn’t feel comforting to me…(and then there’s laughter by that person.”  I could sense the other persons pain just by her reaction. 

It’s a shame that we don’t truly pay attention to what comes out of our mouths.  We’re not only rude to our children (and I’ve been equally guilty of it…and I now choose differently), but we’re rude to each other and we knock ourselves down.  “How could I have been so stupid?” – “I can’t believe that I did that.”  It’s time to pay attention to the conversations that we’re having with ourselves and others. 

Remembering a cartoon I bought for my daughter when she was little is one that I think that as adults may be useful to watch.  They sang a song and the words were, “Stop – look  and listen, it makes good manners.”  Well if we Stop (before we speak), Look (at the individual in front of us and truly ’see’ them) and Listen to the words we’re saying, we’ll probably choose different words. 

Something that I share with my clients is that when you’re talking to someone, picture a mirror in-front of your face.  Trust me…you’ll stop and pay attention to the words that you’re going to use and you may not end up saying a thing and instead – taking a deep breath and walking away. 

Letting Go Of The Past AND…Growing Forward

Amy