Satisfying others and…many random thoughts. :)
From the time we can barely walk, we’re taught the importance of keeping others happy. Tell others what you think they want to hear instead of being honest. Although some disagree when I say that we’re taught to lie at a very young age, this is my reality.
So after years of pleasing everyone we become adults who still seek approval from others or wait for someone to tell us that we’re doing a good job. I hear women say to me, “I’ve been trying so hard and no one seems to notice what I’m doing.” Well, if you put yourself first and only do what feels right for you or what makes you happy chances are that you won’t need others telling you how great you are or what a good job you’ve been doing. You’ll simply feel it on the inside and that will be self gratifying. What pray tell is so wrong with self gratification?
As long as I’m happy and having fun with what I’m doing, I don’t need anyone else to tell me that I’m doing a good job. I know it in my body. Although some would say that I’m good at what I do, I know that my truth is that I’m simply incredible being me and sharing who I am in the world with others. No pretending, no trying to please anyone else, simply making sure that I’m happy doing/creating what is meaningful to me. Now I’m not saying that it’s always easy but it is that simple.
I know that I’ve personally spent a fair bit of my life trying to live up to what I thought were others ‘expectations’ of me. I don’t really know whether or not they expected anything but learning early on that being me didn’t seem to be enough. Now I’m 42 and I’m tired physically and mentally of being anyone else but me.
I remember hearing that we were ‘good girls’ growing up. What that translates into is being compliant in the name of fear sometimes. I shake my head as I think about it.
I’m pretty open with my daughter and am teaching her that she doesn’t have to always please people however that’s what I’m teaching her and that certainly isn’t what she’s learning with others that are older and in an authoritative position. Authoritative doesn’t only mean teachers it also can mean other family members and any person viewed as an adult. She has already learned on basic instinct that it’s in her best interest to ‘act’ a certain way with some people and just relax and be herself with others. Sad isn’t it? How we teach children not to be themselves. We love children when they’re little and can’t talk. Funny how that changes and how we get out the molds and measuring tapes when they get to a certain age?
It was my belief that the military was the only form of ’command and control’ but such is not the case. We need look no further than the family systems. Families…the gift that keeps on giving. It just sucks though that it’s not one of those gifts that you can give back because you’ve already got one. Can you imagine saying, “No Thank-you…keep it your yourself. I had one and it didn’t seem to work out so well. You keep it for yourself though.” 
We’re taught to put up, shut up, suck it up, please others, always tell people what you think they want to hear and the list goes on. What’s sad is that we know it doesn’t feel right and yet we continue to teach our children all the things that we were taught so that they can grow up and be as confused as we are.
I know that as I write tonight that I’m all over the place with my thoughts and that’s exactly where I am tonight. The need to write and write what comes up for me whether I’m all over the place or not.
I wonder how my daughter will grow up? As I discover so much more about who I am in the world and I share that with her, do I open up a new reality for her to choose from? I engage in conversations with her and I’m honest and open with her. I don’t try to hide that fact that I’m a human being. I share with her what it was like for me growing up and not just the rosy things that we were told when we were young. If I’m honest and open with her, then I create space for her to do the same with me. Children are so smart. Do we really think that if we don’t talk about sex or swear in front of our children that it won’t exist for them. Hmmmm, guess what? They swear too sometimes and eventually they’ll have sex. Might as well be honest and talk about things.
Letting Go of The Past and…Growing Forward
Amy
